One day, You will understand

This is a letter to my 5 wonderful children.  Although life may be tough at times I feel I need to say these things, for one day I know you will understand.  All my reasons for doing what I did when I did it.

I love you all so much, my heart feels full, I love seeing your smiles.  I can’t wait to see you after school everyday, I love tucking you in at night. I can’t wait to say I love you, any chance I get. I say it so much, I constantly feel it, I can’t help but feel love every time I look at one of you.  I know we have our bad days, where I yell, days where I end up In tears. I have days where sometimes I get so frustrated with you, that I just want the day to end.  So I can start over again the next morning. I know I’m not a perfect mom. I know that I most likely say things that will upset you and hurt you.  However, I will apologize and mean it, more than you could ever know.  The last thing I ever want to do is hurt any of you.  I’m sorry that I lose my patients when I’ve asked for the 500th time to get something done.  I am human and I am doing my very best.

It doesn’t matter how I feel or what I’m going through, I always put you first.  Some days I’m so busy with you, that I forget to eat. I forget about appointments I have for myself, or I won’t have time to do my hair or makeup in the morning.  I’m too busy racing around, making your lunches, doing your hair, helping you find things or pack your bags.  Some days I’ll give up my water bottle for you or my snack or food, if you forget yours. I don’t get care that I go without food or water, it means that you are happy and taken care of.  I know you probably hate hearing me tell you 30 times a day.  Like put your jacket and shoes in the closet, put your dirty dishes away.  Put your uniforms for activities away, or bring down your dirty clothes.  I swear I am not trying to make your life difficult or inconvenience you. I am trying to give you the skills you need for when you are on your own.

This morning, I realized something. As we were racing out the door late, after you had flooded the upstairs bathroom (didn’t turn off the water). Left your Gi on the floor and had it peed on by the dog. Continued to fight with each other for no reason, as the tears streamed down my face. I realized, one day I won’t be driving you to school anymore, I won’t be taking you to activities or waking you up in the morning. I won’t be helping you with homework and the endless projects that you have.  I won’t be asked to do your hair or help you pick out clothes.  One day I will wake up to an empty house, wishing for a call from you, to hear about how your life is going.  Wishing that I could wake you up again or have a chaotic morning with you all. Wishing for all those hugs and kisses I get everyday.  Then the tears well up even more, I drop you at school and have a little cry. A cry for the chaos of every morning, the overwhelming sense that I’m failing you as a mother. The fear of what the future will bring for you all.  All I ever hope and want for all of you is happiness and love.

I fear that as you go into this next stage of life, that I have taught you all you need to know.  That you see yourself as great, beautiful, handsome and intelligent humans. That you know every day of your life, how loved you are by your father and I.  That you know, you can and will do and become anything you set your mind to.  That you know I love you with every ounce of my being.  That I would not be me, without all of you.  You have all taught me what unconditional love is, I love you so much, it hurts. When people wrong you, or I see that sadness in your eyes that someone has caused you.  My heart breaks for you, I only wish I could protect you from any pain that ever comes your way.  I know that I can’t, it is normal to go through these things in life to grow as a person.  I promise you, I will always be here no matter what! Any time day or night for your entire life, I am here.  I will always show up for you, no matter what.  Nothing you ever do, could make me not love you, nothing.

I realized today, you may roll your eyes at me, you may be angry with my parenting decisions.  One day, you will understand all of my reasons.  You will understand, when I say it feels like just yesterday, I was carrying you around.  You will understand, why I didn’t let you do certain things, why I asked you to read certain things,  Why I asked you to keep a clean room and do your chores.  One day it will all make sense.  When that day happens for you, give me a call.  I know I will be sitting and wondering how you are doing and what is going on in your life. I love you all so incredibly much, I only hope you always know that. Every single one of you, is brave, intelligent, caring and kind.  You will all move mountains! Always know that you make me proud, every day of your life.